I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
