i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
