Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
