You made me cry and you don't even care
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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