Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
