Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
