We're facebook friends in real life
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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