No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
