I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Be still, my beating vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
