my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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