What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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