Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
