Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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