too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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