The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
