i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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