I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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