Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
