he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
