Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
