i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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