My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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