Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
