um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
