I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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