Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
