How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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