Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize