We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
