I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
