I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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