Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
