**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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