mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My bed smells like the plague
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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