Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
