she was so not down for the gang bang
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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