woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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