I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
