someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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