I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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