he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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