when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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