Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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