kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
