Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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