Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
