then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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