party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
operation harelip BJ is a go
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
