Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
