I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
