you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
