he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
