I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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