We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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