First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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