Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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