bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
