p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
