I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
