Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found puke in my bra..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
