oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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