five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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